Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
