I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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