she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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