Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
