i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
