you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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