sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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