the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
