Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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