How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
