He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
