It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
