There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Randomize
