I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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