I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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