Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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