you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
