My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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