I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
