When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
