i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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