I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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