I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
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You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
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every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.