I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..