I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
