Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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