If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
