If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
