Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
