So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
