I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
