Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My ass is underappreciated
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
