On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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