So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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