My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
