hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
