He disabled his match.com account in front of me
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
