Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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