i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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