Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
