Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
