In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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