a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Hippo gnu deer
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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