Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
