Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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