Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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