I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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