Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It's rum buckets o'clock
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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