saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
