Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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