Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
