i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
They are going to name an STD after you.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
