Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
