dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
