we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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