haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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