It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
