We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
